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A Billion Laughs

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Vocab from Hell [11 Jul 2006|09:27pm]

[ mood | amused ]

Oh, this is going to be fun! But I'm not very good at telling jokes, so in exchange, I offer the horrible things that happen when I just try to talk like a normal person every day:

"He's an Englishman, he's a vaccuum-cleaner, and he keeps disappearing." See vocabfromhell for reference or utter insanity.


Hi... [13 May 2006|12:06pm]

[ mood | giggly ]

Please come join all_schneider.  It's a new Rob Schneider community I have created and I'm trying to promote it.  Thanks. =)

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12 [06 Mar 2006|12:50am]

[ mood | sleepy ]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to
by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?" To which
man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use
to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've
of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks
up a
package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad
replies,"Those are for high school boys: ONE for Friday, ONE for
and ONE for Sunday." "Cool," says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers: TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh and a
in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men: ONE for
January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

*-1 time laughs | laugh-*

Dear Cats and Dogs [28 Feb 2006|07:57pm]

[ mood | silly ]

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Always Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(that's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


*-1 time laughs | laugh-*

The Bathtub Test [28 Feb 2006|07:55pm]

[ mood | amused ]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

*-1 time laughs | laugh-*

Bear Remover [12 Feb 2006|08:57pm]

[ mood | cheerful ]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll
be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and
gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball
bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off
the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to
grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then
be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the
back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the
shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."


[17 Oct 2005|11:38pm]

[ mood | mischievous ]

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.

He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the blonde if she paints?

The blonde says, "Sure anything."

"Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?" the man replies.

"I don't know, say $50 bucks."

"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.
His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.

The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."
"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"

10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done."

With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."

"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."


Froggy Noise [14 Sep 2005|10:39pm]

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."The Grandpa says, "No."The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you no'."The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

Fued between pastor and choir director [03 Jun 2005|05:34pm]


There was a feud between the city slicker Pastor and the Choir Director of
The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church.

It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on
"dedicating yourselves to service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I
Shall Not Be Moved".

Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind
him. The next Sunday he preached on "giving."

Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus
Paid It All."

By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday Morning attendance
swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the
next week to hear his sermon on "The sins of gossiping".

Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell The Story"?

There was no turning back.

The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something
changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the
Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight"?

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later,
explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.

The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."

[20 May 2005|08:39pm]

[ mood | cheerful ]

2 leprechauns are standing in a garden arguing,
"you did too"
"i did not"
"you did too"
"i did not", and so on.
then a father walks by and one of the leprechauns go up to him and ask
"father, is there such thing as a leprechaun Nun?"
to which the father replies
"no my child there is not"
so the leprechaun turns to the other and says "THERE didnt i tell you, you where sleeping with a penguin"


The Church Lady [27 Feb 2005|09:20pm]

[ mood | amused ]

The Church Lady

The lady, was a Southern Baptist who attended services
and taught
Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of
town acquaintance,
a gentleman was in the pew right behind her and he
noted what a fine
looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man
leaned forward and
said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on

"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On
Tuesday he picked
the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in
that part of the county.
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her
and suggested,
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of
southern womanhood,
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't
say much until
after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes
and asked,
"Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my!, goodness no," said the woman "I couldn't face
my Sunday
School class if I did.."

Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they
left, got in his car
and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the
local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he
figured he had nothing
to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ummmm how
would you like to
stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a
fast U turn right
then and there and drove back to the motel and checked
in. The next morning
after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke
first. He looked at
the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and
with remorse thought,
"What the hell have I done? He shook her awake and
"I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you
going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady gave him a lecherously tempting smile and
said, "The same
thing I always tell them ... You don't have to smoke
and drink to have a good time."


Mr. Mom [27 Feb 2005|09:19pm]

[ mood | chipper ]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in
8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next
morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills a nd balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."


The Blonde Headed Farmer's Wife [16 Nov 2004|10:28pm]

[ mood | giggly ]

>> > >Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his
>> > >way out to
>> > >the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination
>> > >man is
>> > >coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail
>> > >into the
>> > >two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him
>> > >where
>> > >the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
>> > >
>> > >So the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the
>> > >artificial
>> > >insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes
>> > >him down
>> > >the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the
>> > >nail,
>> > >she tells him, "This is the one This one right here."
>> > >
>> > >Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be
>> > >another ditzy
>> > >blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be
>> > >bred?"
>> > >
>> > >"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.
>> > >
>> > >Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
>> > >
>> > >"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks
>> > >away.
>> >


Girl's Night Out [16 Nov 2004|10:24pm]

[ mood | amused ]

Girls Night Out

Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible
conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away
with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."


Why I fired my secretary [11 Nov 2004|12:34am]

Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my 38th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone Happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. But the children didn't remember so I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" "No I guess not" She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came carrying a huge birthday cake ----- Followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked.

Redneck Vacation [11 Nov 2004|12:33am]

Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got
pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline
didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

Ray and Bessie [11 Nov 2004|12:32am]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, He buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He saunters into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room, completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.


To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

Bad American [11 Nov 2004|12:25am]

[ mood | geeky ]

George Carlin:im
George Carlin Speaks Out...

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

*-1 time laughs | laugh-*

Noah in 2004 [26 Oct 2004|11:09pm]

[ mood | amused ]

It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed.

But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.

Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.

I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.

A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. . ."The government already has."

*-1 time laughs | laugh-*

Intelligent Riddle [06 Oct 2004|08:42pm]

[ mood | amused ]

Intelligent Riddle

John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how
do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."

Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer
an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please
send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer
me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your
brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the
same question.

"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's
not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an
answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's
shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for
me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with
Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's
Colin Powell."

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"


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